Category: teaching financial responsibility

career, college, credit card debt, life skills, money, motivation, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, teaching financial responsibility

Real World Experience Results in Focused College Education

The Launch Lady

Today, this proud mom has great news to share.  I have written previously about what happened when my oldest daughter ended her college career at 19.  The short version is that she ended up moving out on her own shortly after.  (for the longer story, click here). Well now, nearly a decade after her initial college career ended, my beautiful, feisty, and fiercely determined first-born graduated with her Master of Social Work degree!  A couple years ago, she was the only one in her immediate family without a bachelor’s degree and today she is the only one with a graduate degree.

I share our story because I hope that our experiences can be helpful to other parents who don’t know what to do when things do not go as planned. I learned a long time ago that I cannot make my kids follow the dreams that I have for them.  All I can do is plant the seeds, water them and then accept what is.

How did this happen? Well, she spent a few years out in the real world figuring out how life works.  She stayed gone long enough to earn a degree at the University of Hard Knocks, but she found out that her degree didn’t really help with a career.  When she decided to return home a few years later, she started to work her way through community college.  After the momentum started, she had an epiphany about what she wanted to do with her life.  By this time, she was 25 and had a much better idea of who she was and what she wanted.

To say that I am proud of her milestone would be an understatement, but I’m equally proud of the way she did it.   She maximized her block tuition by taking the full load which helped her to get done more quickly while saving money. She almost had to wait an extra year to graduate due to the timing of one mandatory class.   I was pleased to see her out-of-the-box thinking after she took the initiative to approach the professor and ended up with an alternative solution which allowed her to graduate on time!

If I had tried to force, manipulate or guilt her into getting a degree when she was younger, she may have done it.  But would she have chosen (and paid for) a degree that would never be used?  Might she have incurred college debt that would take decades to pay back even though the degree was not needed for the career path chosen?

If you find your family in a similar situation, don’t be discouraged.  Just because college doesn’t happen right after high school doesn’t mean it won’t happen at all.  It may be that they will end up in a career that does not require college.  If not, I say from experience, that college has no age limits.  It’ll still be there when they are ready.   And with any luck, they will be working at a company with generous tuition benefits!

For more stories about raising independent and financially savvy young adults, click here .

life skills, money, parenting, teaching financial responsibility

Dear Child O’ Mine…This Is Your Legacy

The Launch Lady

Every parent has a legacy for their children.  The legacy can be a strong family value system and financial security that they leave behind.   On the other end of the spectrum, the legacy can be a long history of family dysfunction and poor money management skills.  For some, the legacy is something more tangible, as in cash, stocks or property.  Since this is a financial page, we’re going to talk about that one. There are certain responsibilities that come with this legacy, and we as parents don’t always take the time to articulate our unspoken expectations.   I can’t speak for them all, but I believe that I speak for many.

Please do not blow through your inheritance like an impulsive lottery winner.

Your inheritance may be the size of a lucky scratch off lotto ticket or it could be like winning the Mega Millions, but I’m guessing it will be somewhere in between.   If it’s on the lower end, please, make sure your needs are met, do something nice for yourself, pay off debt and use it as a springboard to start building a legacy of your own.  If you get something larger, like larger than you have ever imagined having before, this is for you.  Remember that this gift can be the seed you plant to create generational wealth.  Or you can take it all and buy a big, expensive vehicle.  If you decide to spend it all on a larger new home, will you be able to afford the taxes and increased maintenance?  Will you be able to sustain yourself in retirement?  Or will you find yourself in more financial stress than ever?  If you can project forward and imagine the older and presumably more “mature” version of you, which one of these choices do you think would provide greater peace of mind?

Don’t spend in a short time what took me a lifetime to create.

Please be responsible.  It is not a windfall.  It is the result of years of hard work, patience, forward thinking and good decisions. Keep that in mind as you decide what you will do with it. The greater the gift, the greater the responsibility.   Receiving a large financial legacy is an opportunity to get your money to work for you. If you can amass a respectable sized nest egg, you can feather your retirement nest with the dividends created by the nest egg.  Even after you’ve used some of the principal for your own enjoyment, you will still have some to leave to the next generation.

Always Have a Plan B

You might be expecting an inheritance when your parents are gone, but have they set up a legal plan to transfer their assets according to their wishes?  Or are they living an inflated lifestyle which leads you to believe they have greater wealth than they actually do?  If that is the case, any equity they have may be used to pay off debt and not transferred to heirs.  Of course, even the most financially prudent parents could see their wealth eroded due to catastrophic illness.

I wish for you to have the warmth of a loving parent for as long as possible.  Take this opportunity to gently ask them some questions about this topic while you are able to do so.  Find out if there are any unspoken expectations that come with your legacy.  Learn to look at life through a long-term lens, which will usually lead to better choices.

Financial literacy, financial responsiblity-teens and young adults, Helicopter parent, life skills, motivation, parenting, Parenting humor, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, teaching financial responsibility

How to Keep Your Young Adult From Moving Out* *Disregard if you’re ready for an empty nest…

The Launch Lady

If you’re looking for some ideas to keep your young adult at home forever, I’ve come up with some great tips.  These ideas will be especially helpful for parents of those who have decided that their education is complete or those who have completed college or trade school and are in imminent danger of moving out into the world.

 

  1. Make sure that you perform all of your parental cooking duties with regularity and without complaint. Do NOT trouble them with worrying about where their next meal is coming from and whether or not they have the time, energy or inclination to cook and clean up.  Keep the fridge and pantry full of their favorite snacks and be willing to make a special trip to the store just as soon as a special item has been depleted.

 

  1. Do their laundry regularly. If they don’t put it in the laundry basket, you’ll have to gather it yourself.  No respectable parent would ever allow their young adult offspring to be traumatized by running out of clean underwear!    Be sure that when you clean their sheets you make the bed afterwards.  After all, they didn’t ASK you to tear apart their bed.

 

  1. Don’t ask for any help with chores. After all, it’s YOUR house, so you shouldn’t impose YOUR standards of cleanliness on them.  Even their own room should either be cleaned by you or left untouched.  It’s ok though; since they will always be living with you, they will never need to learn to keep things tidy in order to successfully coexist with a roommate or a significant other.  Besides, they need to use their spare time to play video games and catch up on their favorites shows. 

 

  1. Ensure that they have the freedom to host friends both day and night.  Don’t embarrass them by expecting them to ask you for permission.  After all, they are adults now!  When the boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, don’t make them feel awkward.  They have their own room and nobody is bothering you.  Leaving a tray of snacks outside their door is a very kind gesture.

 

  1. Always make sure you provide them with a nice vehicle to drive. Never expect them to be responsible for any aspect of said vehicle. A loving parent would provide a gas card, perform routine maintenance (oil changes) and clean the car regularly.  Be sure you pay the insurance and that you place a valid insurance card inside the vehicle.

 

  1. Continue to pay their personal expenses. You’re expecting far too much if you expect them to buy their clothes, cell phone, car insurance, car expenses or any other cost that is directly attributed to them.  Any parental expectations of this kind will negatively impact the stock prices of such companies as Starbucks, Pink, Apple and Game Stop.  As you can see, if you were to expect financial accountability, you would be unpopular with not only your own family, but a wide range of shareholders as well!

 

  1. Don’t expect them to work at a job that is beneath their dignity. After all, wasn’t YOUR first job in management? Ok, I know, that was probably not the case.  But you shouldn’t expect them to go to a place where the people in charge are mean to them when they do not perform as expected.   Don’t encourage them to stay in such an abusive work environment. 

 If you follow all of the suggestions listed above, you can be relatively sure that they will never leave the nest.  Just continue to keep up your part to ensure your reservation in the “good” nursing home.

If, however, your goal is to raise financially competent young adults who are able to move out on their own, check out some other articles by The Launch Lady.    www.launchladylogic.com/about

financial responsiblity-teens and young adults, life skills, money, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, stay at home mom, teaching financial responsibility, Uncategorized, wants and needs

Wants vs. Needs-Cutting the Food Budget

The Launch Lady

 

Wants Vs Needs Food budgetHello Fellow Parents,

I don’t know about you, but I’m here trying to make the best of my incarceration bonus time at home.  During the day, I change into my day pajamas and make the lengthy commute to my day computer.  When I am thoroughly sick of my work location, I retrace my steps.  I end the day in my reclining office chair with my night pajamas and my tablet.  The days are starting to run together.  I fear that I will work on a Saturday because I think it is still Friday.  Can anyone relate?

I’ve been trying to think of topics that would be helpful to discuss with your kids while so many people are spending extra time at home.  The topic today is very basic, but I think it might be time to bring it up again no matter whether your children are in grade school, middle school, high school or young adults.

Wants versus needs is a relevant discussion at any age.  It is especially relevant now with the current state of our economy.  Parents may need to make choices which will affect their dependent children and young adults.  I am writing to help get the conversation started which is the first step in making necessary budget cuts.

It’s painful to disappoint our children, teenagers and even young adults, but while we are going through periods of (hopefully temporary) unemployment, some tough decisions will need to be made.  The following list is a good place to start the discussion (only #1 will be discussed in this post):

  Basic Needs Wants
1 Healthy Food & Water Eating (or drinking) out, extravagant grocery purchases
2 Shelter Entertainment
3 Utilities Cell phone with Data Plan
4 Clothing New, designer clothing
5 Personal Care-haircuts, etc. Personal care-professional mani/pedi, color treatments
6 Transportation expenses Car-sometimes (with insurance, gas, repairs)
7 Basic Educational Expenses Private School Tuition
8 Debt Payments-existing Extracurricular and enrichment activities
9 Internet-sometimes Internet-sometimes
10   Subscriptions
11   Vacations
12   Gifts
  Other topics to be discussed in subsequent posts

 The basic needs require no discussion as I think we are all familiar with them.  It’s worth a family discussion to pull together and figure out where costs can be cut, if necessary.  I was a stay at home mom for many years.  I offer you my many years of personal experience in extreme cost cutting while still living an abundant life.  I have trained my whole life for this!

Grocery shopping is a discretionary expense where we can cut a lot of “fat” from the budget, quite literally!  Just for an experiment, take a look at your last couple of grocery receipts, and add up the amount that was spent on beverages.  Include pop, coffee, tea, milk, juice, alcohol, bottled water, sugared powdered drink mixes and anything else I may have forgotten.  If all those items were stricken from the shopping list, you would still have plain old tap water.  Sound exciting?  Not exactly, but right now this discussion is about differentiating between wants and needs!   Next, add up anything that would be eaten as a snack outside of a regular meal.  Include chips, dips, desserts, pastries, snack bars, pudding, sugary yogurts, candy, nuts and anything else you see on your receipt that I didn’t think of.  How much would you save if you cut out all of them?  Next item under scrutiny is meat.  How much was spent on meat?   Can you cut out some meat and replace with beans for protein?  Can you buy less expensive cuts that are just as good after marinating?  How about cereal and other breakfast items?  A big container of oatmeal is a much more economical alternative than sugary cereal. Donuts and pastries are not an actual food group.    How is this a family discussion, you ask?  Well, once you have figured out what areas can be cut out of your food budget, add in a few of your family’s most important luxury items to your next shopping trip.  If you keep a bag of apples on hand, no one will go hungry, but they may decide that they were not actually hungry enough to eat an apple!   Also important is meal planning, leftover management, and where you shop.  You can get a lot more food at Aldi than you can at Whole Foods.  Buying generic, at least sometimes, shopping sales and clipping coupons will go a long way as well. Buying a large sized yogurt and adding your own fruit is more economical than buying individual serving sized containers.  Since most of us have nowhere to go right now, why pay extra for convenience?

Now that you’ve had a chance to evaluate and cut your grocery budget, now you can look at how much is spent eating out.  I recommend downloading your bank statement and credit card statements for the past few months.  If you download everything into an Excel format, it will be easy to see how much was spent on restaurant meals, coffee, bars, etc.  You might be absolutely stunned when you see the numbers in front of you in black and white.  Does your family eat out twice per week, or 8-9 times per month?  How much would save if you ate all your meals at home?  What if, instead, you splurged once or twice per month with moderately priced meals?  Could pizza night out turn into frozen pizza night  at home (feel free to splurge on the electricity to bake it) with a movie in your very own, virus -free living room with your delicious hot, almost free popcorn with real, actual butter?  How much was spent on coffee, craft beer and wine tastings?  How much could be saved if those indulgences turned into occasional treats rather than daily or weekly occurrences?  Open the restaurant discussion with your kids.  What if they could only choose one or two special meals per month?  Where would they choose?  There’s no reason that their carryout choice must be the same as yours.

Take this as an opportunity to talk to your kids about money. They’re resilient.  It’s not like they don’t already know something is amiss.    There is no shame in having to make cuts when necessary.  The biggest mistake would be denying that financial sacrifices need to be made and jeopardizing the long-term welfare of your family.

Let me know whether you did this exercise and how much money you found in your budget that could be used on fixed budget items such as rent or mortgage.  In addition to freeing up resources in the budget, this activity should also contribute to the health and wellness of your family.  Happy hunting!

 

 

Adulting, college, Financial literacy, financial responsiblity-teens and young adults, life skills, money, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, teaching financial responsibility

Bill of Rights For Parents of Young Adults

The Launch Lady

Bill of rights

The unwritten parental constitution has changed immensely over the last 50 years.  In earlier times, parents had a lot more expectations for their kids.  Maybe it was just the way it was in that era or maybe it was out of sheer necessity.  More recently, parents in general can’t seem to do enough for their kids, even when they are pressed for both time and money.  If we don’t accommodate all of their desires, then we have tremendous guilt.    I get it.  I’ve had plenty of guilt, but not because I didn’t love and care for my kids.  It’s because I said no to many of the things other kids took for granted.  Like smart phones.  Before you judge me too harshly, just know that mine had a flip phone which they got for 8th grade graduation.   I wanted to teach delayed gratification and that trying to “keep up with the Joneses” was neither wise nor sustainable.

Continue reading “Bill of Rights For Parents of Young Adults” →

career, job skills, life skills, money, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, teaching financial responsibility

The Cash Register Told Me To Do It

The Launch Lady

img_0027-1

My first REAL job was in a grocery store. At that time, there was at least one register that required the cashier to count back the money. For me, that was the fun part. But I’ve always been a math nerd. I have vivid memories of playing Monopoly when I was 7 and I ALWAYS had to be the banker. Within, the last couple of years when I played Monopoly again, imagine the unspeakable horror I felt when I saw people using a CALCULATOR to count their money! This leads to a pet peeve that many of us have along with a solution to the problem. Continue reading “The Cash Register Told Me To Do It” →

Adulting, financial responsiblity-teens and young adults, life skills, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, teaching financial responsibility

You’re Ready for Little Johnny to Move Out But He Can’t Find a Roommate?

The Launch Lady

Little Johnny

A few decades ago in a state far, far away there were two young ladies dispatched to the same military base at the same time.  Because they were coming from the same school, arriving at the new base within a short time AND they were both female, they were OBVIOUSLY meant to be roommates.  They accepted this belief without question.  The young sailors looked at a couple of apartments before they finally settled into a quiet, two bedroom, two bath, first floor unit.    The older and wiser of the two was a very sweet young lady with a thick Alabama accent which so intrigued the younger and far more obnoxious one of the mismatched duo.  The sweet one could scarcely utter a sentence without having a few of her southernisms regurgitated back to her with a poorly imitated accent.  The southern belle was far too kind to smack her roommate so she politely resigned herself to six months of dysfunctional living.   Continue reading “You’re Ready for Little Johnny to Move Out But He Can’t Find a Roommate?” →

Adulting, Financial literacy, financial responsiblity-teens and young adults, life skills, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, teaching financial responsibility

Teach a Kid to Fish and She’ll Eat For a Lifetime

The Launch Lady

Launch lady tax check

As an avid reader of Napoleon Hill’s philosophy, I have read that one of man’s greatest fears is the threat of poverty.  Though I have never personally experienced abject poverty, I know well some who have.  I do know what it is like to have to make tough choices. I know what it is like to have $5 left until payday with no savings account or safety net. This was part of what drove my decision to enlist in the US Navy when I was still a teenager.  In retrospect, it was one of the best things I could have done, though it didn’t feel like it at the time.  I was given the chance to be wholly accountable for my outcomes.  It was an excellent training ground to learn countless life lessons.  I am far from being a financial expert, but I continue to learn.  My drive to learn is so I can teach others what I wish I had known at a much younger age.  My own daughters have always had a safety net and sometimes find it hard to comprehend (or tolerate) what I am trying to teach them.  What I offer is perspective by asking the following question: “When our children no longer have parents to consult with (or get subsidies from) how will they manage to get along financially?”  I am a fervent believer in “If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; if you teach him to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime.”   Here are just a few things I’ve tried to teach my kids that you might find helpful as you try to teach life skills to yours: Continue reading “Teach a Kid to Fish and She’ll Eat For a Lifetime” →

earn money, financial responsiblity-teens and young adults, jobs for teens, life skills, motivation, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, side gigs, teaching financial responsibility

Teens Without Screens: How to Lure Them Away From WiFi While Promoting Financial Responsibility

The Launch Lady

lawn mower

Lots of parents today are trying to figure out how to keep their teens productively busy.  Most of us will agree that there should be time devoted to just being a kid.  But the job of a kid has changed over the years.  Being a kid used to mean activities like playing board games, jumping rope, playing softball and hide and seek as well as many other activities that included imagination, physical activity, teamwork, mental stimulation and fresh air. Being a teen used to include hanging out with friends, attending school functions and seeing the occasional movie.   Today’s youth seem to have a more limited set of activities, many of which fill time rather than contribute to wonderful childhood memories. Examples of this are watching television, playing video games, and using electronic devices such as smartphones, computers and tablets.  Basically, if they need electricity (and Wi-Fi) to have fun, I have alternate ideas.  Not ideas for entertainment, but ways to make money while fostering a sense of responsibility, creativity and accomplishment. This is not directed to the parents who are perfectly fine with the status quo.  If you are a parent who wants to redirect the energy of your teens without them having a traditional part time job, read on for suggestions.

Childcare

Parents are always looking for babysitters and a great one can make some serious cash these days! The best way to find a job is through word of mouth.   I found a good one when my kids were small.  You know you’ve found a professional when she shows up with a backpack filled with activities.    She was confident, popular, and not shy about stating her rate.  I loved that she had other plans besides watching a movie with my girls!  When my youngest daughter was bored, she would go play with the twins that lived behind us.  They were much younger than her, but I’m sure their mom appreciated that she kept them occupied for a while and I was happy that she found something creative to do!

Pet Care

I realize that childcare is not for everyone, but pet care is appealing to a pretty wide audience.  There are many different opportunities.

  • Vacation Care: We used to have a neighbor boy come and take care of our guinea pig and later on our dogs while we were on vacation.  It was fun for him because he didn’t have pets.  It was less expensive for us than taking the dogs to a kennel.  Though they never said, I think the dogs appreciated not being locked up in a cage for a week.
  • Dog-walking:   Lots of people would love to have someone stop by during the day to walk their dog or provide some companionship.  This is a great summer opportunity, but can even be done after school for those who get out early enough.
  • Yard clean up:  Being a Pooper Scooper is not a glamorous job, but the opportunities are everywhere and there is the potential for higher pay and less competition!

Cleaning Trash Cans

I have a friend whose teens got paid to clean out trash cans this summer.   Everybody has one and most people would probably be happy to delegate the job if someone were to just show up and make the offer!  Just like Pooper Scooper, the potential for pay is higher than average and the competition will be lower.

 Light Housework

With all of the working folks being so busy these days, there is bound to be someone close by who would pay to have someone vacuum, clean bathrooms or kitchens, dust or any other task that can be negotiated.  My daughter organized the pantry for me recently, which I appreciated immensely since her organizational skills are far better than my own!  I just had a conversation with friends who told me that their 6-year-old assists in cleaning the floors and bathrooms.   There is great satisfaction in learning to do a job competently and parents can encourage that with plenty of praise and patience.

Cooking

Many working families would love the opportunity to come home to the occasional meal prepared by a competent and willing chef.   The cuisine does not even need to be complicated…just ready to eat!

Cutting Grass

I’ve lived in my current home for more than 12 years.  Not once has someone knocked on my door and offered to mow the grass.  At my house, there were two teenaged girls to cut the grass and occasionally, I did it myself.    I’m not going to lie; they didn’t love it, but I was perfectly ok with that.  I view the task as an abundant opportunity for anyone regardless of age or gender.  The same friends with the floor cleaning 6-year-old have an 8-year-old son.  He is already beginning to cut the grass at home while his father works with him to do the detailed work.  He even had the neighbors ask him to cut their lawn!

Raking Leaves

This opportunity is obviously regional and seasonal, but is great for filling a need for someone else while earning money and getting fresh air.

Shoveling Snow

Again, this one is regional and seasonal.  Last winter, we had a lot of snow in a short time.  I had help shoveling for the first two days, but on the third day, I was alone and exhausted.  I had read in our neighborhood’s on-line forum that there was a young man in his early teens who was traveling around the vicinity with a snow blower.  I was very excited; not just to find help, but to see a young man who was aggressively pursuing an opportunity to earn.  Read more about Tyler in “Today a Flying Unicorn Landed in My Driveway”.  https://wordpress.com/post/the-launch-lady.com/98

Homework Help

Some teens are qualified to provide tutoring to younger children.  This includes assistance with reading, math and test preparation.   Parents of younger children will appreciate having a respectable teen as a role model for their child.

Technology Assistance

Speaking from personal experience, not everyone is comfortable with today’s technology.  Every time I get a new computer or phone, I enlist the help of one of my favorite millennials to get it set up!  There are a lot of people like me out there who don’t have their own millennials to ask for help.

What all of these jobs have in common is that opportunities are abundant, flexible and are usually within walking distance.  I know that we are all well aware that these opportunities exist, but for some reason, I don’t hear of many teens capitalizing on most of them.

These opportunities to earn are some of the more obvious ones.   There are so many ways to grow your family’s economy that can fit in around school and family time yet still allow for plenty of free time for enjoyable activities.  Just because we are able to give our kids so much more than our parents gave us doesn’t mean we should.  I know many present day teens and young adults who have learned self-sufficiency at an early age because more has been expected of them compared with their peers.  I can assure you that they will appreciate money earned far more than any handouts received.  Finding opportunities to earn at an earlier age also provides a great start to money management.  Earning allows teens to set short term goals like buying a video game or long term goals such as buying a vehicle or saving for college. As you help coach them to find ways to earn, be sure to keep your own gender bias from getting in the way.  I grew up in a family with all girls and then I had only daughters.  As a result, I’ve defied the boundaries for tasks that were traditionally thought to be assigned to a specific gender. The best part about these options is that they are not only for teens but anyone who is looking to earn spare cash.  You would be doing a great service to your offspring if you don’t give them the impression that they are above doing any of these tasks.  In my opinion, any job on this list is far more desirable than college debt (or any debt at all)!

What Can a Parent Do To Increase Motivation?

  • Severely limit all screen time which just might bore them to death
    • Drop them off at the library when they can’t find something to do
  • Give them responsibility for some of their wants
    • Cars are great motivators to earn
    • Smartphones are also great for inspiring one to work
    • Cash for movies, fast food, etc.

I hope you find these ideas to be useful or can see them in a different perspective from before. Word of mouth or on-line neighborhood forums are great places to find these jobs.  If you see a home that is perpetually in need of yard maintenance, help your teen learn initiative by offering to walk up to the door with them as they ask for the job.   My goal has always been to teach my girls to become independent young adults after their formal education ended.  Whether you share my goal or if you are just trying to keep them from too many non-productive pursuits, I hope this has been helpful.   Please share if you think this can help someone else.  Leave a comment if you have some other earning ideas or if you have a story of an amazing child, teen or young adult that you’d like to share.

 

Adulting, cats, college, earn money, Financial literacy, financial responsiblity-teens and young adults, life skills, mother love, motivation, parenting, Parenting teens and young adults, parenting young adults, teaching financial responsibility

How This 19-Year-Old Found a Way to Conquer the World on Her Own Terms

The Launch Lady

Kelsey and her kitty

I grew up believing that 18 was a magical age.  I could not WAIT to turn 18 so I could be independent and do things my own way.  I was bred to be both independent and credit worthy.  I still have my original JCPenney credit card that I’ve had for well over 3 decades.  Filling out the application was probably how I celebrated my 18th!  I had a “soft launch” shortly after 18 when I moved in with a friend.  I paid a pittance for rent while I learned to navigate life totally independent of my parents.  Since I didn’t have a car at this point, my friend was gracious enough to shuttle my pathetic a$$ to the laundromat.  Getting to work required that I either negotiate with coworkers or walk.   After a few months of this, home started looking pretty appealing, so I went home long enough to buy a car. After I got my mobility machine, the independent streak really kicked in and I moved out again.  My early independence is what helped shape my views as a parent.

Thirty-one years later, I was the parent of a teenager who had been bred to be both independent and credit worthy.  We were both brand new graduates; college for me and high school for her.  She entered her first year of community college as she had been groomed to do.   Unfortunately, she hated it.  She hated everything including the town we lived in.  She felt trapped by expectation and didn’t want to waste the time or money to complete college when she had no particular aspirations.  I didn’t try to fight her.  My own experience had shown me that if you really want to accomplish a higher education, then you’ll make it happen when the time is right.  I simply told her that if she chose to end her education that it would be time to be an adult with grown-up responsibilities.

I must digress a bit and talk about what happened the year before.  Her senior year of high school was only one class, so she worked full time.  When I saw how she was spending her money, I brainstormed for a plan.  We sat down and calculated some numbers as though she were going to move out to give her an idea about what “life” costs.  We came up with a figure that she would need to pay her own way.  Then she was given the following two options:

  • Pay the agreed upon sum to me to contribute to household expenses
    • I never told her but I would have saved it and given it to her when she moved out
  • Put the money in her savings account each month with the stipulation that it could not be withdrawn and that I would look at the statement each month to hold her accountable

I persisted even though she thought I just wanted her money.  My true mission, in addition to inspiring her independence, was to minimize the cash that she had been handling so frivolously. I was glad that she chose what most would agree was the only intelligent choice.  My mission was accomplished when she was able to eventually leave home with several thousand dollars in the bank.  She also did a soft launch by moving in with a friend right after she turned 19, but came home a few months later.  What she did next floored even me!

Three months after her 19th birthday, she informed me that she had found a job on-line and was moving to Utah which was almost 1,400 miles from home.  She had gotten a phone interview at a popular ski resort and was hired, sight unseen.  I guess hospitality workers must be hard to find!  She bought an airplane ticket and made it happen.  I remember going with her when she closed her bank account.  The banker, a young man who appeared to be only slightly older than her, told her how lucky she was.  I reminded her that she wasn’t lucky; she had made the decision and she was making it happen.  I had a mixture of emotions which ranged from pride to fear.  When her dad decided to fly there with her, I cried.   With my independent streak, it had never even occurred to me to do so.  She was mortified, of course, but I was grateful that he had taken that extra step to help her ease into her transition given the sometimes sinister deceptions on the internet.

She met a lot of different people while working in Utah.  Many of them were college educated yet not ready to grow up.  She didn’t have the benefit of much college yet, but she was receiving a most valuable education!  The first place she lived was in the worker housing with two roommates that she had been placed with.  The room was not included in the employment offer; they had to pay out of each check.  For anyone who has done any time in a barracks or college dorm room, I think you get the idea.  You end up living with people you don’t know and you learn how to deal with all types.  I watched in awe as she took advantage of all the amenities Utah had to offer.   After a couple years, she moved with a friend to Texas.  Four years wiser and infinitely more street savvy, she returned to her roots bringing with her a sassy feline companion.  I was thrilled to have her back home with me for almost a year as she transitioned back to the area and continued to do amazing things.

Six years from the time she first moved out, I look at the things she has done and what she continues to do.  She is preparing to buy her first home and get married to a wonderful and ambitious young man.  She’s working her way through college and dabbling in different careers.   She’s learned that you can’t run away from yourself; unfortunately, your problems go with you.  She left home a surly teenager and came back a grateful, positive, street-wise and confident young lady.

My beautiful daughter is in transition so I sit here today with her cat, who I am fostering, until she gets settled into her new home.  I have not been able to instill the same independence in the cat.  Though it is a common perception that cats are independent creatures, just listen to the squalls when you fail to put kibbles in their dish at the appointed time!  I have found myself obsessing over the cat just a bit too often these days so I’m trying to focus on my writing instead.   I will miss them both as they get settled into their next phase (to see what happened to the cat, read Eviction Papers Served-Launch Lady Style ) I think my firstborn now understands that I didn’t want her money.  What I wanted was her happiness and her respect, and I’m very grateful to have experienced both.